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Why Did The Chicken
Cross The Road?
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the
"other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side". That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not
been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to
distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the
criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to
cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the
president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and
undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer
the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with
our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to
reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any
Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are
investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev.
Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to
discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least
to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released Chicken 2000, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of
the chicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you
mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents that black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and
keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
(back to the top of page)
________________________________________________________________________________ MAN, I'M
GLAD I'M A MAN
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a
broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the
TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to
pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty
salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back
on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear
shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand
sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28
days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or
coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a
nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on
sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view
mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting
deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a
glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my
ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight
gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your
blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the
house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a
date
I don't play with dolls unless they
inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never
lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always
dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue
magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my
jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French
lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore
yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use
Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely
revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
________________________________________________________________________________
I'm Glad I'm
A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I
am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and
Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my
erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for
directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a
clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat
down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your
butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer
gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my
crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a
notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my
behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that
kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could
sing
I don't have body hair like shag
carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my
back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of
crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my
comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my
dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the
side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much
pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege for
me
to have these two boobs and squat when I
pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot
basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a
Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not
understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold
band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and
weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound
asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you
see
you can forget all about that old penis
envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for
chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my
dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's
true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like
you!
________________________________________________________________________________
THE MALE
STAGES OF LIFE
AGE
DRINK
17
beer
25
vodka
35
scotch
48
double scotch
66
Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17
My parents are away for the weekend.
25
My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35
My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48
My wife is away for the weekend.
66
My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17
sex
25
sex
35
sex
48
sex
66
napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL
DATE
17
"tongue"
25
"breakfast"
35
"She didn't set back my therapy."
48
"I didn't have to meet her kids."
66
"Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17
getting to third base
25
airplane sex
35
ménage a trois
48
taking the company public
66
Swiss maid / Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17
roaches
25
stoned-out college roommate
35
Irish setter
48
children from his first marriage
66
Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET
MARRIED?
17
25
25
35
35
48
48
66
66
17
________________________________________________________________________________
THE FEMALE
STAGES OF LIFE
AGE
DRINK
17
Wine Coolers
25
White wine
35
Red wine
48
Dom Perignon
66
Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17
Need to wash my hair
25
Need to wash and condition my hair
35
Need to color my hair
48
Need to have Francois color my hair
66
Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17
shopping
25
shopping
35
shopping
48
shopping
66
shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL
DATE
17
"Burger King"
25
"Free meal"
35
"A diamond"
48
"A bigger diamond"
66
"Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17
tall, dark and handsome
25
tall, dark and handsome with money
35
tall, dark and handsome with money and a
brain
48
a man with hair
66
a man
HOUSE PET
17
Muffy the cat
25
Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35
Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48
Children from his first marriage and Muffy the
Cat
66
Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET
MARRIED?
17
17
25
25
35
35
48
48
66
66
IDEAL DATE
17
He offers to pay
25
He pays
35
He cooks breakfast the next morning
48
He cooks breakfast the next morning for the
kids
66
He can chew breakfast
________________________________________________________________________________
You might be
a redneck if.....
your
wife has a spit cup on the ironing board
you
wake up with Redman in your hair
you
think a good time is a bug zapper and a six pack
your
wife has ever come out of the bathroom and said "ya'll come look at this
'fore I flush it"
your
house has wheels and you car doesn't
directions
to your house say "turn off the paved road"
everyday
someone comes to your house thinking you are having a yard
sale
the
UFO hotline limits you to one call per day
you
have ever been on national TV 3 or more times describing what the tornado
sounded like
people
ask to hunt in your front yard
your
wife weighs more than your pickup truck
you
think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy
the
most common phrase heard in your house is "Someone go jiggle the
handle"
you've
been divorced and re-married 3 times and you still have the same
in-laws
you
have a house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't
you
sell the wheels off your house to buy a keg of
beer
remodeling
your bathroom means digging a new hole in the backyard
your
new recliner has more features than your new car
your
wife's dress is strapless and her bra isn't
you
have a major appliance on your front porch
you
refer to the fifth grade as "My Senior Year!"
you've
ever taken a beer to a job interview
you
smoked during your wedding
your
dog and your wallet are both on a chain
your
high school annual is now a mug book for the police
department
your
mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the cop to
kiss her ass
your
truck has curtains, but your house doesn't
your
Christmas tree has beef jerky ornaments
your
senior prom had a day care center!
blowing
a tire means a new flowerpot for the front yard
you
need a power generator to run your KC lights on your
truck
you
would rather walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem
them
someone asks to see your ID and you show them your
belt buckle
your
two year old has more teeth than you do
you
get a passport to visit another state
your
school mascot is an armadillo
your
wedding song was "99 bottles of beer"
you've
ever eaten road-kill
your
pickup truck is prettier than your wife
you
think your beer belly is "sexy"
you
spend almost as much on lottery tickets as on
cigarettes.
you've
ever responded to how are you with fair to middlen'
your
land houses more than two mobile homes
you
keep a can of Crisco in the bedroom
you
own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves
your
lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand
the
primary color of your car is bondo
you
ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle
you
stand under the mistletoe waiting for Granny or Cousin Sue Ellen to walk
by
your
idea of foreplay is slipping off her saddle
you
can't marry your sweetheart because there are laws against
it
you
refer to wife and mother-in-law as dual airbags!
you
think the nutcracker is something you did off the high
dive!
your
favorite TV shows were the Dukes of Hazard and Hee-Haw
you've
ever used a weed eater in the house
your
wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan
you've
ever cooked Spam on the grill.
you
have more than two brothers named Bubba .
you
have to carry a bucket of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your
sister's honor!
you
don't know the words to the national anthem but can sing all the words to
the Beverly
Hill-billies and Gilligans Island by
heart.
________________________________________________________________________________
The Goodbye
Girl
A father put
his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her
prayers - which
she ended by
saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye
grandpa."
Father said,
"Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said I don't
know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day
grandpa died. The Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this- "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma.
Next day the
grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in
contact with the other side.
Several
weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God
bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He
practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the
crack of dawn to go
to his
office. He was nervous as a cat all day, he had lunch sent in and watched
the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be
OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch
and jumping at every sound.
Finally,
midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got
home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?" He said "I don't
want to talk
about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You
think you had a bad day,
you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our
front porch."
________________________________________________________________________________
Things To
Ponder:
1. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"asteroids"?
2. If
a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
3. If
a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
4. Is
there another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a little unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice".
6. When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their
signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls does the first one get thrown
out?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. What do you do when you see and endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
11. If
a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his farm?
12. Would a fly be called a walk if it had no wings?
13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
14. If
a stealth bomber crashes in a forest will it make a
sound?
15. If
a turtle doesn't have it's shell, is he naked or
homeless?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If
the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?
20. Why do they sterilize the needles for the lethal
injections?
21. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
22. Is
it true cannibals eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best around before sliced bread?
24. Do
infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
25. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
26. How is it possible to have a civil war?
27. If
all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
28. If
love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
29. If
the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
30. If
you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
31. If you ate pasta and
antipasta, would you still be hungry?
32. If
you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
33. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
34. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?
35. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.
36. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
37. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
38. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in
it?
39. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a
mime?
40. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
41. If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of
progress?
42. If you melt a pool full of dry ice, can you swim in it without getting
wet?
43. If you ate your own foot, would you lose weight?
44. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
45. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who
can't.
46. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
47. All generalizations are false.
48. If a man is standing in the middle of nowhere speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
49.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
cargo?
50. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
51. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
52. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
53. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
54. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
55. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
56. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
57. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
58. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
59. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
60. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
61. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
62. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
63. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
64. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
65. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
66. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
67. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
68. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
69. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
70. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
71. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
72. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
73. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
________________________________________________________________________________
World's Toughest Squirrel
"You talking to me?"
________________________________________________________________________________
Miscellaneous Jokes
This skeleton walked into the bar and said to the bartender,
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